We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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