Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
