So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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