Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
