If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
