Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
People in love make me want to vomit
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
