I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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