hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
