That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
