YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
