So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
