I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
