I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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