you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
