I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
