Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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