I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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