I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
