Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
and she was petting her beer can
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
