and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You are a genius and a whore.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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