Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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