I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
