She's JV to your varsity
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
