why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
