Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
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We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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