this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
