When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
