I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.