you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..