I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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