I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
