My friends, they love my intelligence
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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