Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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