dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
