he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
