So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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