she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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