Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Randomize
