I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
