If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
