I wish I only lived at night.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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