my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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