i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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