I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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