Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
