The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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