I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
