i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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