Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
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