Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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