we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
