I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
