I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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