Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
