well I can't set my house on fire every night
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
